14 October 2007

Frogs contre Rosbifs

To counteract the unpleasant article
published in Friday's Daily Telegraph...
Bold= I agree
Pink= comments and "Prends ça dans tes dents" !
"30 reasons why we hate the French"

1. Because they're losers

Rugby matches played by England against France since 1906: 89. We've won 47; they've won 35. Draws: 7. : je vous l'accorde, vous avez gagné le match de rugby hier !

2. Because they're aggressive

Wars fought against France since 1066: 35. We've won 23; they've won 11. Mutual defeats: 1 (American War of Independence). En effet on est agressif car nous au moins on n'a pas peur de l'ouvrir quand on est pas contents, we are not a herd of lobotomized sheep who queue everywhere, shut the fuck up and keep paying their Queen.

3. Because of Napoleon

200 French streets, monuments and institutions commemorate the era of Napoleon, the inventor of totalitarian dictatorship. Et la dame de fer ?!

4. And because of the Napoleon Complex

While Napoleon was actually 5ft 6.5in tall, his aggression may have stemmed from "strikingly small, infantile and undersized genitals", as revealed in his autopsy. The organ in question measured 1.25in. Ok size matters

5. Because they make love more than anyone else

On average, that's 137 times a year; we only manage 119 times. C'est normal, vous êtes tellement coincés pour la drague... à moins d'être blindé dès 8pm avec une dizaine de pintes dans le nez entourés de vos "tarts" habillées comme des saucissons, excusez-nous du peu mais on n'est pas latins pour rien.

6. Because everyone believes they're great lovers

But when asked about Napoleon's love-making, French good-time girl Marguerite Josephine Weimer remarked that the Duke of Wellington was "beaucoup le plus fort". Today, just 23 per cent of French people are happy with their sex lives compared to 25 per cent of Brits.

Which is true: the best lovers I have had are definitely not British !

7. Because they love yappy dogs

More than nine per cent of French dog owners have a poodle.
Je vous le concède: les mémés du 16ème avec leurs caniches, ça énerve...

8. But they won't clean up after them

French dog owners refuse to pick up the 5,840 tonnes of dog-doo dropped on their streets each year.
Encore une fois, vous avez raison, les trottoirs de Paris sont peuplés de crottes de chiens et c'est chiant, même si on dit que marcher dedans ça porte bonheur...

9. Because they're allergic to customer service

In London eateries, it takes an average 3.4 minutes to get a glass of water once a waiter has been alerted; in Paris it takes 17.9 minutes.
Là aussi d'accord, mais en France on prend le temps de vivre. A Londres on n'a même pas le temps de faire son choix qu'on se fait agresser par des "Next please!!!!" à tout bout de champs, faut arrêter de speeder.

10. Because they're rude

The "Paris Syndrome" is a medically recognised type of depression which afflicts foreign visitors, caused by the sustained rudeness of French people to outsiders.
We are not rude, we are just straightforward, and we mean what we say.
Je préfère être directe que faux cul.

11. Because they can't wait

Many French men still prefer the convenience of a trottoir to the public WC.
What about gangs of youngsters being sick in the streets every friday and saturday nights ?

12. Because they lack humour

Before the Revolution, the French spoke of l'esprit (wit), or la farce (joke) but the word "humour" had no equivalent. Not until 1932 did the French Academy allow l'humour into the language.
Merci, entre Benny Hill et Mr Bean, y'a pas de quoi peter plus haut que son cul.

13. Because we've been allowed to believe that French women don't get fat

Current diet books claim that French women are thin because they eat only fresh produce, and slowly. However, French obesity rates are exploding and one in four French women is on some kind of mood-altering medication. Of course they're not hungry – they're stoned.
Thats so true ! The average size in England is 12/14 whereas in France it is 8/10 (36-38)
Moreover, we dont have girls with a massive arse wearing 3 size below skinny jeans who end up flashing their streched marks fat spilling over their belt ! Thanks but we dont want to see that. Either you're fit and you can do it, sinon tu t'abstiens !

14. Because they do things the wrong way

The French take more suppositories than the rest of Europe combined. In 2006, they shoved 235 tonnes of pharmaceuticals up themselves. That's equivalent to 1,850 Gérard Depardieu (approx.).
Les suppos c'est un mode d'administration facile pour les enfants et ça soigne rapidement les bronchites. Nous au moins quand on malade on ne nous dit pas après une heure d'attente dans un centre miteux "I cannot give you anything, take some aspirine".

15. That goes for their wildlife, too

In 1998 alone, 25 million geese and ducks were force-fed in battery farms to make foie gras: the €20 hors d'oeuvre.
Yeah but you forgot to mention that you LOVE our foie gras, and most fresh organic products on your markets are French!!!!

16. Because they love Jerry

In 1963, Jerry Lewis's The Nutty Professor was voted "Best Film" in France. Le Roi du Crazy, as Lewis is known over there, holds the Legion of Honour, traditionally awarded only to victorious French generals: pretty rare.
17. And they hate Gerry

In 2005, national treasure Gérard Depardieu announced he was leaving France because: "Only the British understand me… They have a great sense of humour. It is the French who are cretins".
A part Gérard Depardieu, que connaissez-vous d'autre comme acteurs hein ? Avec vos blockbusters américains, votre culture cinématographique ne vole pas haut.

18. Because they think their cooking is the best in the world

They boasted 26 three-starred restaurants in the 2005 Michelin Guide. However, the guide is a French institution. Could that be why the UK had only three? Coincidence, non?
Tiens donc ! please refer to comment number 15 and why do you invade the south of France, buying all our properties then ?

19. Because of their incessant wining

Does France still make the best wine? Not if you go by the infamous Paris Wine Tasting of 1976, when an English wine merchant organised a "blind" tasting before a jury of French experts. To their horror, they rated Californian wines as winners in both the red and white wine categories. The French press first denied any tasting had happened, then claimed the results were fixed.
We may wine but we dont queue and submit like passive herds of sheep.

20. You can't trust their wine labels either

In one 2002 case, a Burgundian vintner got jailed for rebottling 4,000 hectolitres of Algerian plonk as a much more expensive Bordeaux.
Vous n'avez pas de vin anglais, seulement des trucs australiens et californiens qui sont dégueus et qui coutent une fortune, alors shut the fuck up.

21. Because they took the cow pat… and turned it into a hat

Well, that's what the beret is, isn't it?
Le beret c'est un truc à touristes, et vous croyez avoir l'air fin avec vos perruques de moumoute pour les gardes de Buckingham palace et vos casques de Bobby ?

22. Because their legendary "Va Va Voom" is a lie

They only spend an average 19.2 minutes on foreplay. The British take 22.5 minutes.
A part "va va voum" et "voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir ?", votre connaissance du français reste très limitée.

23. Because 50 per cent of them don't even associate sex with pleasure

And 23 per cent say they would be "relieved" not to have sex for several months.
Where the hell did you get that from ??!!!! Did you mean "relieved not to have sex with a British"? that would make sense !

24. Because they patented the kiss

In fact, there is no actual word for "French Kiss" in French. It is simply embrasser avec la langue (literally, to kiss with the tongue). Colloquially it is referred to as rouler une pelle (to roll the spade). Only in Quebec is it "frencher".
Rouler des pelles, c'est quand on est au collège les gars, vraiment vous êtes toujours à côté de la plaque....

25. Because they're big bullies

The French shoot, poison, trap, crush, stuff and then eat almost anything smaller than themselves. Box-nets are laid down across the Aquitaine countryside to trap skylarks, while Languedoc hunters blast turtledoves out of the sky.
We eat real fresh food, not processed tasteless canned baked beans on toast, bande d'ignares.

26. Because the French health service is the best in the world

However, during a 2003 heat wave, the French health services, rated as a "world best" by the WHO, failed to prevent the deaths of 16,300 elderly people.
La canicule a en effet tué de nombreux vieux isolés et c'est bien egoïste. Mais en France on peut aller en consultation chez un médecin quand on veut, pas besoin de "register" chez le GP en remplissant des papiers avec des queqtions à la con genre "quelle est la couleur de votre peau?", attendre 3 jours avec une fièvre de cheval pour être consulté par une "nurse" et repartir sans médicaments. Nous on va chez n'importe quel toubib, on patiente dans la salle d'attente avec de beaux magazines, on repart avec son ordonnance, on passe à la pharmarcie qui est juste en bas, dont on a l'embarras du choix, qui ressemble à une vraie pharmacie, et qui reste ouverte jusque 20h00 au moins. On donne sa carte vitale et on paye pas.

27. Because their country doesn't work

Employers have to pay social security taxes equal to 48 per cent of each employee's salary, so they take on fewer people, and France's unemployment rate has hovered around 10 per cent for a decade.
Là d'accord, si j'ai quitté la France il y a 6 ans, c'est bien à cause du chômage. En attendant, j'ai fait 12 d'entretiens, et toujours pas de boulot.

28. Because they get up our noses

Forty per cent of French men, and 25 per cent of women, do not change their underwear daily – and only 47 per cent bathe every day (compared to 70 per cent of the British).
The messiest, dirtiest people I shared a flat with were British.Sorry.

29. Because they invented Sadism

France is not only the birthplace of the Marquis de Sade but also of Renault's flirty series of Ben and Sophie "Eiffel Tower v Blackpool Tower" TV ads. Talk about torture…

30. Because it's taken them a thousand years to admit we're better than them

"The standard of life of the British is higher than that of the French," said M. le President Nicolas Sarkozy, in his 2006 autobiography. Finally.
Bien sur Sarko veut calquer certains trucs sur le modèle anglo-saxon. Mais il ne faut pas oublier que 50% des ménages à Londres sont endêttés.

Moralité: Nobody's perfect
God save the Queen
Et vive la France !


  1. Anonymous15:07

    Lza, tu me tannes depuis tellement longtemps pour que je poste des commentaires.
    Donc bien que n'aie pas encore pu tout lire (je viens juste de feuilleter, sorry mais tout le monde n'a pas ton haut [dé]bit), je réponds à ta demande :

    Réponse à "frogs contre rosbifs".
    14. French "do things the wrong way" : Do rosbifs take suppositories through the mouth ?

    15. Jealousy ...
    (For information, I'm vegetarian)

    12, 16 et 17. Sure they prefer Mr Beans than De Funeste. Le 1er doit péter plus élégamment selon eux.
    L'humour britanique les a même poussés à plébisciter la chanson de Renaud sur Thatcher ...

    23 et 28. Un chroniqueur anglais a dit que les anglais ne se lavaient qu'une fois par semaine et changeaient de sous-vêtements une fois tous les 15 jours (en le retournant au bout d'une semaine) ... mais en conservaient un propre dans leur sac à mains ou poche de leur veston pour le cas où ils feraient une rencontre "intéressante" ; comment s'étonner que le prétendu charme anglais n'opère pas ! On évite certains risques. De plus, tout le monde n'adore pas être berné ni pris pour un con.
    Moreover (28) they would be lyers !!!

    26. Là Else, tu frimes. Surtout que sarko est en train d'y mettre "bon ordre" : dans 2 ans, on continuera à cotiser mais on ne sera plus remboursé.

    Devine qui c'est ...

  2. Anonymous15:09

    Je vois, tu te donnes les moyens de censurer ...
    C'est du propre.

    La prochaine fois, notes-moi carrément ce que tu veux que j'écrive.

    Bises quand même et bonne année.